Passion

I no longer remember when was the last time i had so much passion for something. When i was younger, all i wanted to do was to do well academically at school and make the love of my life (my mother) proud. I gone all out for it until SPM that i actually put my effort wholeheartedly to achieve something so badly.

I remember when i was 12, when i wasn't selected to represent the state for basketball. From my narcissism point of view, i knew deep down i was good enough to be in the state team. I worked so hard to show to the world, that i could excel in basketball. And i did, but still not good enough for state team. Maybe basketball, wasn't just meant for me. I tend to put more effort against all the rejections and discrimination that i encountered. I wasn't passionate enough to do it for myself, but enough to prove to the world around me that i can. I was drawn to the attention that i get and the triumph feeling when i was standing in the hall of fame. 

And then, there was Mathematics. I wasn't interested in science related subject to begin with. I like imagining world-ly matter, but couldn't care less to know what is biology, physics or chemistry is all about. That was until... I scored less that 10 points for my Additional Mathematics when i was 16. I remember vividly, i made a promise to my Add Math teacher, that never in my life will i fail in Add Math again. I get all the help and support i could. I was good at it. To my surprise, i worked so hard that i became one of the top scorer in mathematics. I knew Maths was meant for me, but didn't know what it meant when i went to Korea to study purely in Maths. I was left alone, i didn't know where to ask for help, and i felt completely lost. I lost my conquest and confident.. I lost everything. 

I was defeated badly.Later on, all i yearn was for an easy life. To fall in love, get married and see the world with my love. Of course, i did achieve all of them at some point of my life. But the turning point of my life? It was when all my world crumbled on me. Yes. Again.

Life, of course.. is full of surprises. I can recall vividly, the first breathe i took when i arrived London in 2004. I was 14, and my mother brought me to London for the first time in my life. I could comprehend why she was so in love with this country, and i thought to myself (maybe someday..i will move to London). And here i am! Living in my thoughts. That said. You are what you think you are. I wanted to travel, got a job as a cabin crew in a prestigious airline.. and still i wasn't happy. I was.. don't get me wrong. Happiness, is not constant. I guess when you are at your highest state of your dream, to live an easy life.. you just find that your life is meaningless. Life shouldn't be that way. I don't know how to respond to an easy life. I get the chance to travel, but i hardly do. I lost my passion in living.

And it woke me up. Slapped me hard on the face. I remember dying. 

I wake up one day, and wished i have worked harder in the past. I wish i am a skilled worker. I know now. Is never too late. My only passion now is to progress to a greater version of me. To be good at something. To achieve something solely based on my passion and interest. Of course, with blessings from people around and above all, the Most Merciful and the Ever-Giving. It is my dream to influence change in the world i live in. I will keep looking and rely the rest in Him. His gift is the best gift to me. His 'no', does not mean rejection but a redirection of will.

I believe, this documentation of my journal will be a kick start to better version of me tomorrow. I want to be able to look back one day and think " I am glad that i start this journey." 

On this journey, I have learned that to be successful, it requires continuous efforts, repetition of your competencies and to be confident that you will achieve in whatever you invest in.And to be able to influence change, you need to build up good interpersonal relationship and have good command of communication skills. Working on that.